Day 51. The view is great when you can see clearly…..

Hello, I’m back.  I have to be honest since coming back from holiday with Dylan and Ross I’ve had a little bit of writers block.   I am not making excuses for not blogging but I have found it really difficult to get back on track and focus on, well, most probably everything.

This was the first holiday I’d had in over a year after the closure of New U Coaching and although it was relaxing I don’t feel I have been fully able to shake off my ingrained tiredness and suppose battle weariness that I have accumulated over the last 2 years.

So I decided to give myself a good talking to, which I did in the mirror yesterday.

Others may think I’m mad and maybe I am slightly, but if you don’t give your self a good talking to every now and then, well, you may just end up pottering through your days, allowing yourself to be the victim of something that actually you can most probably control yourself, if only you’d put your mind to it.

After coming back from a very wet and tropical Mexico we arrived back to a very wet and damp Edinburgh.  The rain thrashed against the windows, which put us off from venturing any further than the warmth of the sofa and the blanket that covered us. So we had movie night at home, watching American Beauty, the Kevin Spacy triumph.

I’ve seen this film many times before but last night it struck me, why are we always searching and wanting for more?  I admit I'm just as bad as everyone else, caught up in the rat race of earning money, which we need, buying gadgets and all kinds of things to satisfy the emptiness that we have inside.  The problem is, with living in this way, in this materialistic lifestyle, it tends to be short lived.  A quick fix, like a addict we crave more and more and more until these bursts of frenzied spending and desire to climb up the social ladder begin to take over our lives.

I’m not saying that you or even I shouldn’t have nice things or desire to progress in our lives, what 

I'm saying is that I believe we have a fundamental issue of not being able to appreciate what we have because we’re always looking for next fix, which will no doubt be bigger and better than the one before.

When in Mexico we went on a trip into the Mayan region of the country and we were exposed to how they live their lives.  It was completely different to how we were living in Mexico, which comes as no surprise but what did surprise me, was how happy they seemed to be with what they had and how they lived. 

Compared to those who live in cities, like most of us do, they’d be described as poor, deprived or even under privileged.  However what we forget is that this civilisation gave us sophisticated mathematical and astronomical systems as well monumental architecture and a developed written language way before any other civilisation known.

Maybe knowing where they came from and what they did for civilisation has taken them on a journey that brings contentment, satisfaction and an appreciation for why they exist in this world.

The character Lester Burnham in American Beauty as we know, goes on his own journey of self-discovery, only to find that he has everything he wants right in front of his eyes.  He’d lost himself and so had his wife, both their journeys showing their need to search for other things to make them happy, without appreciating what they had created and made for themselves.

At the end of the movie, Lester Burnham admits he feels great; he had re-connected within himself and he began to start appreciating the more simple things in life.  He sits down at the kitchen table and looks at an old family photograph of his wife, their daughter and himself, all are happy and content.

He smiles remembering how special the people are in the photograph and like most, when self-realisation creeps up on us, we can see clearly for the first time.  The same thing happened for Lester, he begin to appreciate what he’d created and what was actually important to him.

For his character, however, it was too late to rectify the mess he and his wife had created for themselves, but for us maybe it’s not too late. 

Maybe we can start to appreciate the things we have before we start anchoring for the things we don’t have.  Perhaps we can even begin to appreciate why we exist in this world and what we can do to make it better not for just us but for other’s too.

But at the end of the day life is a journey and we can choose to navigate our path one way or the other.  But perhaps, we just need to stop every now and again and appreciate the view?

Day 26...Three Generations

Dylan was on his way back from his dad’s, I was hopeful he would be clean but I wasn’t holding my breath.  Ross’s mum and husband were coming over for Sunday lunch and after a long lie and not realising it was nearly time for everyone to arrive, we quickly got about our chores.  Me, to the shops and then a quick once over with the hoover and a polish and Ross was to meet them en-route.  The Sunday roast was cooking slowly in the oven and the temperature outside was rising rapidly.   Unfortunately the sun was no where to be seen but with the windows open, the hot air created a nice Sunday afternoon vibe.

Dylan arrived not as clean as I’d hoped but a quick shower and a change of clothes got him back to normal and looking like my boy.

Sundays for me have always been a funny day, yet it was a day that had so many good memories.  As a young girl I would always sit while my mum peeled the potatoes and the veg in preparation for the Sunday lunch with my grandma Ivy.

We would always put the world to right, discuss my adventures at school, with my friends and when I was old enough to go out, we’d spend hours talking about my experiences, the outfits and of course the chat up lines.  At the time I used to think Sundays were a nothing day, a boring day.

When I look back and remember those Sunday afternoons now, I agree they were lazy days and nothing days, but they were days of sitting round the old kitchen table, eating chocolate digestives and drinking lots of tea.  My grandma, my mum and myself all together, the three generations.

So this Sunday it was my turn and like my mum has done for many years I too peeled the potatoes and prepared the veg in between talking to the three generations that were in my living room today.

Preparing and eating a meal with family over three generations is special.  I know that not everyone feels the same as I do about family, but for me, spending those rare occasions, where you can make a fuss of those you care about, surely can’t be a bad thing?

Having three generations round one table in its self is rare yet so very special.

Maybe I am wrong but I don’t think so….

Day 25... Nothing Funnier than Folk!

While sat on the train after having a brilliant day shopping with Ross, we decided to treat ourselves to a bottle of wine and some snacks for the journey home.  My feet were killing me, after walking for hours around the shops.  I wasn’t shopping today, Ross was and unlike me, a quick and off the cuff buyer, Ross is the complete opposite.  Every shop has to be explored and then he starts buying.  I never learn, wedges and high ones at that may not have been the best footwear however after three hours in I resigned myself to the fact that I’d just have to put up with my burning feet!

The train was packed with other shoppers and trying to get 2 seats together was a challenge.  Anyway we finally found a seat and waited for the train to pull away before we opened the wine.  It was then when a family of 5 walked down the aisle of the now slowly moving train.  Ross had nipped to the loo which meant the seat next to me near the window was free and so was the seat Ross was occupying facing me.  There were enough seats to accommodate only 4 of the 5 family members, however there were 2 young boys who looked under the age of 5; perhaps they could have shared a seat? Or one of them maybe could have sat on their mother’s knee, as Dylan has done may times before, in situations like these.

The mother of the family told me abruptly that we should move and let the family sit together, which I believe we'd already done. In the next breath I got accused of not being fair, for wanting to sit in my seat. I had moved already for her middle son who now sat next to the window, she had a seat facing her youngest son, and the dad and daughter were sat in the row behind.  Ross and I still were sat together – happy days or so I thought?

Unfortunately that was not the case

And so the rampage of abuse started about how selfish I was, how rude and what kind of person would not allow a boy to sit near his mother.  It was totally unnecessary for this woman to be saying these things however she did and the train watched on, before I knew it, I was obviously the bad person. 

I had a decision to make and that to either respond in exactly the same way as the woman was responding to me or do what I believed would have the best outcome for everybody.  At the end of the day we were only talking about another simple switch of seats.  I chose to ignore the woman completely, which I think ruffled her feathers further, and chose to ask the boy if he would like Ross’s seat instead of being sat next to the window? He chose to sit in Ross’s seat and I moved again to accommodate.

The woman tutted under her breath and shook her head.  Baffled by the whole situation, I decided to let it go. The one thing I gained from this situation is that sometimes no matter how hard you try to be of help or show kindness it is not always recognised and can, at times be totally ignored or over-looked

I chose not to make a fuss and allow the woman to get what she wanted.  However I did chuckle afterwards as the boy within 5 minutes of being in Ross’s seat chose to sit on his mum’s knee.

As my grandma said “there’s nothing funnier than folk!” 

I'd have to completely agree.

Day 24... Finding the right words....

I have been trying to catch up with my neighbour with no joy.  Thankfully I bumped into her daughter, who sadly told me her mum was in hospital, under close observation.  Apparently, it’s now only a matter of time, which breaks my heart. 

My lovely neighbour is a very proud Italian lady and upon request, I got told that I couldn’t see her at the hospital, because she doesn’t want people to see her in this way.  I could fully understand that, but I really wanted to let her know that I and both Ross and Dylan were thinking of her.

I’m away for a number of days soon and I suppose having seen cancer take a number of my family members over the years, I know that the signs being shown, can only lead down one path.  As said previously, Ernestina has been good to me.  I pay rent and do all the other stuff a tenant would do, but for some reason our relationship is more than just tenant and landlord. 

I’m not family obviously and learning from my own experiences in the past, this type of illness and the impact it has on family members is usually a private affair, yet on Friday I couldn’t help feel really sad at the thought of perhaps not ever being able to see her again.  However, respecting what the family wants and of course what Ernestina wants is far more important than any of my wishes.

The only thing I could do was to write her a letter and so that’s what I did.

I can’t remember the last time I actually wrote a handwritten letter.  It took me four attempts and even on the last one I still made a slight mistake, but time was now running out.  Like anything, when a situation is so serious, it is difficult to find the right words and tone and I needed to get it right.

So I decided to keep it light, well, light enough.  I shared information of what we had done as a family over the last week and our pending plans for the weekend.  It was the best I could do, I’m not sure if she appreciated it or even if she had the energy to read it, but I hope so.

Finding the right words can be difficult, but what I am learning is this…..

If you are true with your intentions and generous in your heart then the right words always seem to find you, even when you're struggling.

Day 23... Don't Give Up!

Dylan was in a show with his drama group and the whole running around for his Austin Powers outfit, along with many more outfits had left me frazzled but had paid off and as we watched him last night perform, I was thrilled, his outfit was by far the best, as danced with the other kids to the Austin powers theme tune. 

The show was long, yet highly entertaining especially as the cast ranged from 5-16 years old.  And as we stood waiting for him to come down to meet us in the foyer after the show his face said it all.  He’d looked serious on stage and was obviously concentrating but as both Ross and I waved to show him where we were standing in the mass of other grown up faces, his face light up, with a smile so wide it brought tears to my eyes.  He’d enjoyed it after all.  He chatted non stop still buzzing from the adrenaline and the excitement of his and the drama groups performance.  He seemed thrilled we’d enjoyed it and both of us gave encouragement and the support / recognition he was obviously looking for.

Earlier that day I had been asked from a 13 year old boy, the son of someone who Ross works with, to see if I could introduce him to an organisation my friends husband works for.  He is passionate about drawing and seems to have a real talent for it.  His dad had told Ross that his son was getting bullied at school for not being like the other kids because he always had a notebook and was drawing rather than playing with the other children. 

The email from the boy was brilliant, well worded and he’d attached some of his artwork.  I’m certainly no art critique but I felt, for his age his artwork stood out.  So I did as I’d been asked, and hoped that even if he couldn’t get into the organisation to meet other artists, he could perhaps get some advice on what to do, so he wouldn’t give up on his passion and his dream.

I felt slightly uncomfortable because I really didn’t want to abuse the relationship between my friend and I because; she really is a very good and dear friend, which I explained in my email.  So I pressed send and hoped for the best.

I thought about Dylan and if I was in a similar situation then I would surely try to do what I could, so he could get as many experiences or as many opportunities as possible.

This brought me back to a conversation I’d had with my mum last week about myself.  For some reason, when my mum talked about the situation I’d clearly erased it from my memory completely.  My mum shared with me how her and my dad tried to contact my drama teacher, the head master and a range of other teaches at my secondary school to try and help me when I more or less failed my A’ levels.  All I remember is that my life was ruined, I stood blankly in one of those slow motion scenes from a movie when those around you are jumping for joy and hugging each other with excitement and an appetite for life but as the scene pans out, there you are, unable to move, in shock because at the age of 18 your life is over.  It is OVER!

Of course it wasn’t over, and in my life from then to now, I’ve had many more and many worse situations to deal with, however as a young woman wanting to embark on a Drama programme that was guaranteed, as long as I’d got the grades, then no doubt my life would have been very different.  In my situation though, no one called my mum back, so my drama teacher whom I had spent my school life revolving around was no where to be found, to give advice, encouragement and the extra support my parents felt I needed at that time.

And that’s when it struck me, no matter whether you’re a parent, a friend, colleague or a person going about their day, life is full of obstacles that will always be in our way when it comes to chasing our dreams.   Life I believe tests us on this for all the right reasons although at the time it feels very unfair.  But for me, it is those who can learn to overcome those obstacles and barriers that are in our way, in that moment, are the ones who continue to search on, follow their passions and reach their dreams.

I gave up on that particular dream, in the particular moment and no matter what my parents and brother said or did to help; I chose to be a victim of failure.  I gave up and lived in fear for over 10 years.  That fear was fear of failure and so I gave up on my dream, always afraid that if I tried again I would fail.

And so before I went to bed I received an email explaining that they couldn’t accommodate the 13-year-old boy’s request for a number of very good reasons. 

However they passed on some very good words of advice and encouragement for the boy. Just because this is a ‘no’ know doesn’t mean to say it’s a ‘no’ in the future

There are no guarantees in life, as we know, however offering a helping hand, the use of a contact, additional words of encouragement to an open ear and the support to continue to develop yourself, no matter what, is sometimes all you need to help you on your way.

Day 22....A friend in need is a friend indeed!

Well, I’m just over 3 weeks in and although this task is hard at times I realise that I’ve had plenty of opportunities to deliver on my acts of kindness.

I am noticing the more kind I am to others, the kinder people are to me.  I am building stronger bonds with my friends and we are in touch with each other more than ever.  Even though we may not be able to see each other I can honestly say that over the last 21 days I now have a deeper relationship with those few ‘Gals’ that I call my friends.

And it’s the same with some of my clients.  A number of people around me are not very well at the moment.  A couple of my clients are struggling with breast cancer, one has recently had a stroke and some are dealing with the loss of their loved ones. 

This part of my job is really hard, as you build very strong relationships with others, you see them suffer and there is nothing they or you can do.  I appreciate this is part of life, but quite frankly I think it’s a pretty shitty part of it.  

So today when I met my client who has just had a lump removed from her breast, I am amazed at her strength, courage and resilience.  I have been sending her emails and told her how great she is because that’s what I genuinely believe.

The way she handled the news, to dealing with a very worrying removal of the cancer, to now only 8 weeks after being diagnosed she is back at work and in 2 weeks about to embark on radiotherapy, that she will have to have endure everyday for 1 month.

I have known this client for a number of years and I have worked with her in a number of guises.  I’ve trained her to be a coach and then again in leadership skills, and this year I have been working with her team and other teams within her organisation – and I thank her for that, because she has never once judged me about the liquidation of my previous company, she has never really enquired about the what’s and the why’s, instead she just welcomed me with open arms.

So as we chatted today, I asked her if there was anything I could do for her, a simple question with no idea if she’d suggest anything.  When I’ve ever asked this question before to others, they tend to usually skirt over it, as most people don’t really want to burden you or others, I’ve noticed they simply pretend they haven’t heard you.

But today my question was heard.  In response my client asked me if I’d be kind enough to go out for lunch with her, before she has one of her radiotherapy treatments as she want to take time before each treatment with people she calls her friends. 

“Kind enough” I smiled “I’d be honoured”

Day 21 - Give more of yourself....

Yesterday was quite full on so by the time I reached home I was tired and exhausted, my head full with the day’s activities and what I still had to do.  I’m not sure about you but sometimes I feel that there's just not enough hours in the day to get through what you have to. 

My life seems to be flying by and I can’t seem to catch up?

I sat working on a tender document until quite late and realised that I hadn’t really been able to deliver my act of kindness. The day had passed so quickly and I had nothing to report.  So I replayed my day and realised that in my job as coach trainer, today I had delivered acts of kindness, yet they had been done in a very low key and understated manner.

I had helped 4 amazing people turn into 4 amazing coaches who are now going to go out into the world and help others.  I believe there are 2 kinds of trainers, those who surface train or those who train in a deeper way.  What I mean by this is, you can have someone train you and they just give you the stuff you need to know, because that’s all they are paid to do or you get those who go the extra mile, and give more of themselves, because they believe it's what is right for the people they're training and I suppose today I did this.

I believe I helped those 4 amazing people make significant changes, grow in confidence and self-belief because I gave them more of me.  I shared more of myself to help them learn, grow and develop so they can be the best they can be.

So when I look back at my day, I recognise that by giving more of yourself, to help others develop is an act of kindness, it requires you to share what you know and believe is right, even if you go above and beyond.