Day 11... The One....

Today has been pretty uneventful, yet still brilliant.  The rain has poured from the heavens all day, so there was nothing else to do apart from snuggle up on the sofa and keep warm and dry.  It’s officially our summer but up here in Edinburgh it still feels like winter.

We’d been asked by Ernestina in the week to put a mesh over the strawberries in the back garden; she was fearful the birds would be picking at the newly developed fruit, so mid afternoon, in the pouring rain, Ross succeed, eventually, to cover the patch of garden where the strawberries grow.

Being honest it’s something we both didn’t want to do, as I’d agreed this morning that today would be Ross’s day, an act of kindness I’d say. By 5.30pm this afternoon I’ve watched the Matrix plus the sequel; Matrix Reloaded.

I’m soon to embark on the final epic journey with Neo, Trinity and Morpheus, as they fight side-by-side against the machines, their quest for truth as to why we are here and if Neo is really the one?

I ponder this very question on numerous occasions, as I am sure you do.   The question is rhetorical I’m sure, as I don’t know if we’ll ever find the answer.

As we came inside from the garden, soaked to the skin, we quickly repositioned ourselves back on the sofa and the same spot we’d left half an hour earlier.  I realise that if you are with the person you love, the one, why wouldn’t you let them enjoy their stuff and put your desires on the back burner, if that makes them happy?  

After all, surely if they’re happy, you will be too?

Day 10… Its not what you do it’s the way that you do it!

This is the theme that had run through my whole day.  If only I would have known this morning what I do now, then I’m sure my day would have started better than it did.

I woke up with quite a sore head.  I’d met a friend for a glass of wine after work, which turned into a few.  I’m not saying how many incase you get the wrong impression!

I felt slightly jaded and a wee bit temperamental, as I sometimes do with a hangover. Not great for the busy day ahead.  However like most when you go out on a school night; you just have to face the consequences and get on with it.

Today I have worn many hats, its been a day of training and of coaching others and after responding badly to a comment made this morning, I made a promise to myself that today I would be conscious of my responses.

So I went about my day aware of how I was responding to others and how they responded to me.  I did the training session as planned then went off to meet with my coaching clients.

In both the coaching sessions the theme of managing how one repsonds to situations arose from both clients; their scenarios different obviously, but each as poignant and as thought provoking.  The key thing that struck me in both situations was the need to do things in a different way if you want to get results.

Bananarama sang about this kind of thing years ago, for those who can remember that far back?

“It aint what you do it’s the way that you do it and that’s what gets results”

So as I progressed with my final coaching session the client started to waver, she was exhausted and pretty stressed, tears appeared in her eyes and she started to cry.  This continued with a series of deep sobs, multiple apologies and more tears. Her tears were flowing; they seemed unable to stop.

I sat there and allowed the client the space they needed to vent and express their emotion. However after 30 minutes of this, I decided I needed to take action, but not before I knew the client would be accepting of what I was going to suggest.

She was distressed, sad and a little lost.  I reached out and held her hand, which immediately calmed her tears and we sat in silence for a short while, well until she was composed and ready to talk again.  Not many words were spoken apart from “Fancy a coffee?”  Smiling now she nodded and we made our way down to the coffee shop.  Guiding the client carefully to the safety of a new environment brought a new perspective to the situation.

A latte was downed and a new confidence appeared.  The stress had started to dissolve, as did the tension in the face of my client. 

This time I smiled saying “ this one’s on the house” 

Its not what you do it’s the way that you do it. And that’s what gets results!

The latte and the new environment broke the tension of the client’s anxiety.  Little words were exchanged but a common understanding was shared, a connection where if language would have been used it would have been a barrier to understanding.

So why not show someone that you care rather than tell them directly.  Actions do really speak louder than words.

Day 9... A Cuddle A Day...

I decided to go on a school trip with my son’s class as they were looking for parents to help out as chaperones.  This is the first school trip I’ve been on, as normally I’ve always been tied up with work but as this month is a little quieter I decided to offer my services.  And I am so glad I did.

So off I went to Holyrood Palace for the morning, 2 parents, 1 teacher and 28 kids.

What I don’t know about Bonnie Prince Charlie and Mary Queen of Scots isn’t worth knowing!

The Palace its self is beautiful, so are the grounds even though the rain poured intermittently it didn’t stop us all from enjoying the tour.  The children were all well behaved apart from the odd bit of argy bargee when they were asked to queue up in pairs and be quiet on occasion.

The highlight of the trip was to climb the old spiral staircase that led up to the very private bedroom of Mary Queen of Scots, where her beloved best friend, confidant and private secretary David Rizzio was murdered by her then husband, Lord Darnley.

See, I told you I knew a fact or two?

So as our tour was nearly coming to a close we had one last place to stop and see and that was the old Abbey that stood prominent, holding its own, even though now in ruins.  It is a very special place, a quiet place supposedly until we all arrived.  As soon as the guide started to point out the highlights of the Abbey, the heavens opened and our final moments of this grand tour came to a halt.

Thankfully I had my umbrella, so up it went and before I knew it, I had two of my son’s classmates huddled under the brolly with me.  One girl on either side, the boys obviously were relishing being in the rain, but the girls were different. 

We were told to make our way back towards the coach house, in pairs, except I was in a three with my new companions at the back.

It was then, when an act of kindness took place.  It was under my very small brolly with each girl on either side of me, when I suggested, to make sure their long hair didn’t get wet, that we all linked arms with each other.  Each girl cuddled in, their arm in mine and we walked steadily towards the coach house. 

One of the girls who was on my right side, really cuddled in tight and said “thank you so much, my mum tells me I can’t cuddle her, as I get on her nerves.  My mum and I never cuddle and I like cuddling. Can I keep cuddling you?”

I was totally blown away by such a statement. 

And that got me thinking about the power of human touch and how important it is for that contact with someone else. 

That moment of intimacy that can change an individual’s perspective and viewpoint of life.   It can change their mood, their behaviour and so much more.

I am no expert on the subject matter but what I do know is that for most of us human contact is crucial to our whole wellbeing. 

If we don’t get that level of intimacy can it have a negative effect on us when we transition from child to adult?

Can it determine if you are going to be a warm and open person?

Can it lead to having difficulties when trying to connect with others in the present and in the future? 

Or could it possibly turn you into being a “needy” person and one who craves attention? 

As said I’m no expert at all, however in that moment, under that umbrella, when that girl cuddled in tight, I knew she needed it.

So I allowed her to squeeze my arm tighter and we walked in silence until we got to the coach house.  “Thank you,” she said, “You’ve made my day”

How can a simple thing, such as a cuddle, that you and I no doubt take for granted, be so significant?

And then I realise that human touch at the right moment can be a huge act of kindness, because it shows warmth, it shows generosity and it shows you care.

Forget an apple a day… I suggest from now on, you have a cuddle a day…

What do you think?

Day 8....Green is for Stop

So today has been a better day.  I have reflected a lot from what I experienced yesterday.

My job as a coach is to help others achieve their goals, ambitions, dreams or desires.  I am also here to help others over come their hurdles, or any challenges they may face on their journeys.  Sometimes as a coach you have to help your clients address any fears, behaviours or habits they may also want to change.  It has been, and still is the most rewarding job I have ever had.  To call it a job would be drumming it down; to me it’s a vocation, that’s what I love about it. As I wrote yesterday though, sometimes it can be hard and every now and again I have a wobble.

One of my clients described his coaching journey as taking the scenic route.  He knew where he was heading, however the journey was not as simple as going from A to B, he went the long way around. That led him to many destinations he loved, he enjoyed and also where he learned a lot about himself. There were other destinations he stopped which he wasn’t keen on didn’t like what he saw there or what he experienced there. That was the hard part.  As he finished describing this to me, he said that if he had of taken the easy route, then his journey wouldn’t have been as meaningful and significant as it was.  His scenic route took him on a rich journey of self-discovery.

I believe life is here to challenge us and test us on a daily basis.  If we didn’t have these challenges then I suppose one may say life could be dull.  I also believe if you look upon everything through tunnel vision, i.e. glass is half empty ‘syndrome’, how can you ever see things when the glass is actually more than half full?

So today I woke up refreshed. The early night and moment to chill, relax and reflect helped me focus my vision back to where I need it to be. The blurriness had vanished and, through clear eyes, I began to see the world better than I did yesterday.  The difference today is the grounded reality I’ve discovered about my task in hand.

Like my client, I too will be going on a journey of self-discovery, there’ll be many destinations I stop that I won’t like, and I am sure there will be many I do.  The goal I’ve set myself is a stretching one, especially as I want to do this in an authentic way and in a way that is congruent with me.

So as I, literally, took the scenic route to the gym this morning, I had the opportunity to deliver an act of kindness.  The road was busy, blocked with bumper-to-bumper traffic and the rain thrashed against the windscreen. Fellow drivers were becoming impatient with the temporary traffic lights only allowing 2 cars at a time to pass though before changing back to red.

When it was my turn to run the gauntlet of the lights, a man and his daughter, soaked to the skin, hovered on the pavement.  I had my chance to go through the lights, momentarily green, and I knew if I hesitated they’d change back and I’d be another 5 minutes.  The little girl looked frozen, so I made my decision to allow them to cross the road and get the shelter they needed.  I heard a number of beeps from the cars behind me, and a cyclist wheeled by, two fingers firmly extended in my direction. However, the man and his daughter smiled, waving as they crossed in front of me, lights just turning back to red again.

As I looked over to where they stood, now covered by the bus shelter, a man who owns the local green grocers came out and offered them a towel to dry themselves.  The beeps continued until the lights turned from red to green.  I didn’t care though, I was happy that; not only had I shown an act of kindness but someone else had to. If only everyone else could have seen it that way, the world would be a better place, I’m sure.

Day 7....A turning point?

I really wasn’t sure what my act of kindness was going to be today, as I’m struggling with the concept of what I am trying to do.  I know my intention is absolutely right, but as I sobbed in bed last night I couldn’t help feel that this good intention of mine could slowly turn into something quite contrived, fake or just down right cheesy.  I think the problem is; that I have been now doing this a week and I have no idea where I’m going with it. 

Perhaps if I take my own advice from a few days earlier, then I should just go with the flow and be in the moment with it, but its difficult as I feel perhaps I’m not doing enough? 

For years I’ve searched for the right job, always on the look out for how I can be part of something big, something great, something that would give me that sense of fulfilment and connectedness, in a way that ultimately makes a difference to others. 

As a child I believed there was something out there waiting for me, something bigger and better than the norm, something that required me to live and work to my life’s purpose.  But I couldn’t seem to find it.

I didn’t get the grades I wanted at school and therefore couldn’t do what I wanted to do. I also had a passion for the arts and for drama but I never pursued that either.  I’ve always wondered why, but upon years of reflection I would say it could be down to fear of the unknown and not really having the guts to pursue what I believed, at the time, was my purpose.

I think I know this now, but years ago I didn’t have a clue.  I wish I would have had insight rather than hindsight, but that’s not the life is it?  We have to learn and we have to put those learning’s into practice.  Yet, at times, we sometimes have to repeat the lesson in order for it to be truly learned.

So after multiple jobs, in multiple cities and with feelings of being let down multiple times, I decided that the only way I could make a difference was to work for myself and do it my way.  But doing it on your own is hard, as I found out today. 

I’ve had a rotten day; my car, which was fixed yesterday, died again this morning, and is now in the garage waiting to be fixed again. This will no doubt cost me an arm and a leg. 

Then, whilst dashing to pick up Dylan from school, I drove head-on into a guy on his bike and knocked him over, thankfully I didn’t really hurt him, but I could have.

To top the lot I’ve been doing bloody business development calls all day and, apart from speaking to rude and very uninterested people, it’s been to no avail.

So I question what is all this for?  Why am I trying to do this and why do I believe that acts of kindness will make any difference to anybody?

Like most, I feel there is more to life. I don’t want to be on the hamster wheel, yet because of previous choices and decisions I’ve made, I am. I’m harder on myself than I am on anyone else and, if I’m being honest, I’m still searching for what I believe is my purpose in life.

When I reflect back on my day and I think about my job as a life coach – ‘helper of others’ I recognise that sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself, because if you don’t self-care when you need to, then how can you be any good at caring for others?

So today this is my act of kindness; a moment to myself to read a book in bed with a cup of tea, allowing myself to recover from a very stressful and disturbing day. I hope that if I take a moment to re-charge, reflect and recover, then maybe tomorrow I can be better and things will be clearer.

My original aim with this challenge was to help others, but even just a week into it, I have a feeling it’s going to help me more than I expected.

Day 6... I don't like Monday's

My day didn’t start well. I woke up late, leaving me half an hour behind my normal morning schedule. I then realised that Dylan’s school uniform was still wet in the washing machine.  I threw the wet clothes into the tumble dryer but after five minutes of horrible noise I opted for the radiator. The tumble dryer is on its last legs. 

Finally ready to take Dylan to school and I find my car isn’t working; the battery was as flat as a flute, which was not that different to how I was feeling.

Thankfully Ross didn’t need his car this morning, so I borrowed it for the school run, hoping the AA would cover mine.  To my relief it did, so a quick call and an exchange of details and within 15 minutes they were there.

Woaf! Now that’s customer service.  So, my battery was flat and within 15 minutes of his arrival he’d fixed my car.  A weight had been lifted, and so had my mood.

I was working from home today and decided I was going to do some business development, something I’m not afraid of doing but it doesn’t always rock my world, if you know what I mean? I got on with the job in hand but as mid morning approached, I found that I was still thrilled about my car and the service the AA man had provided.

So after a well-deserved cuppa, I decided to write a note of thanks to said AA man, which I did and sent off via email. 

This little act of kindness made me think of all the other people I could thank for things they have done.  Yesterday afternoon, before my visit to Ernestina, I took Dylan to an end of term party, which had been organised by one of the mums.  The party had a DJ, food, drinks and a paying bar for adults.  I wasn’t drinking, due to my dull head, so decided to take photos of the kids and try and catch up with a few of the other mums who I don’t see often. I tend to be the mum who’s usually dashing in and out of the school gates, stressed and highly strung with ‘the usual’ time management challenges.

The party was a huge success. The boys looked cool in their urban street-wear and the girls were as pretty as a picture in their party dresses.  It was very well organised, so in between sifting through stacks of work emails, I took time out to write an email to the organiser and fellow hard working mum, Lindsay. I knew that yesterday would have taken a lot of effort and had been a challenge for her to organise the event itself, as well as all the other parents.

Gratitude is something we don’t always do, or in fact get a lot of, and in my research on Acts of Kindness, it seems a simple acknowledgement of gratitude can mean a lot to the recipient. 

Other people’s efforts shouldn’t be taken for granted.  I know myself that delivering excellent customer service requires a commitment and a deeper set of inner ethics towards work and the whole customer experience.

I also believe that going out of your way to organise something for 28 kids and their parents, when you already have a lot on your plate to begin with, is worth a thank you.

So for me today a simple display of gratitude is all I wanted to do, because, for me, both these people deserved recognition for their efforts; the AA man confirmed and renewed my belief in great customer service and Lindsay made 28 little people very happy yesterday.

I’d bet that it’s the only gratitude either of them is likely to encounter today. It’s the way it seems to be these days.

With that in mind, I hope you can find some time to show some gratitude to others, no matter how trivial.  Its amazing how powerful 2 words can be…

Thank you!

Day 5....I wish I had a cure.

With a bit of a dull head from the wine drinking and gala day celebrations I decided to pop in to see my neighbour.  She is dying of cancer and there is nothing anyone can do.  It’s now a matter of time.

Her daughter shows me in and there she is lay down on the sofa.  We wake her softly and I help her as she sits up and tries to get comfortable.  Her daughter leaves us whilst we chat about the weather, making small talk while she fully comes to.

It’s here in this room, where we sat on Christmas Day, my turkey on a low heat in the oven, champagne in hand, and spoke about the history of the house and its occupants past and present.  Today I sit on the same sofa, this time no champagne in hand for obvious reasons; realising champagne will most probably never be consumed in this room again.

Ernestina is the name of my neighbour, my landlady and my friend.  A woman in her mid 70’s, of traditional Italian stock and a woman that is well known and well respected in the area.  I feel privileged to be here, to sit by her side while we talk about my weekend, cooking, Dylan and, of course, her illness.  She is sad; telling me that all she ever wanted to do was watch her daughter get married.   Knowing that will never happen now, tears prick my eyes. I look up and see tears are in her eyes too.

She is slow and finding it hard to breath, so I puff up the spare cushions and place them behind her back so she can breathe more easily.  She takes off her slippers and shows me her feet; they are bloated and look sore.  I bend down and start to rub her foot, hoping that my efforts may start to release the pressure.  It doesn’t work.  So I slip her feet back into her slippers and we talk for another 20 minutes.  We laugh as she points and talks about her boobs shrinking and everything else growing.

Her daughter re-appears and I realise it’s time for me to go.  I kiss her on both cheeks, the Italian way, and agree to see her again tomorrow to break up her day.

This, we all agree, will work.

I walk slowly back up the stairs and hover outside my front door.  Making the visit wasn’t done to accomplish any act of kindness, it was done purely to be there for someone who would be there for me.

If I had a choice there would be nothing to write about today.