My son arrived back from a weekend with his dad. It takes him a while to settle back into the swing of things, after him being away – as you can imagine.
As usual, he arrives back, looking unkempt, grubby and slightly creamish in colour. Not what I want to see, however a ritual that I am learning to deal with no matter how upsetting it is.
I have chosen not to raise my concerns for now, as I will fall head first into the trap of an Ex who still wishes to destroy me, hurt me and cause me upset. So I make the choice not to rise to the test I am presented with every fortnight.
Instead I try as much as I can to hold it together and not get riled by this or show my distaste for what he is trying to do.
So as I was presented again, yesterday with the usual, it became apparent that I was not only faced with dealing with the state my son’s appearance, and the fact that all his clothes that should have been re-packed into his over night bag were stuffed into plastic bags, I was faced with yet another challenge, which I am sure most parents who divorce have to deal with.
And that is, one parent is the good cop the other the bad cop when it comes to giving kids what they want. I suppose you would call me the bad cop, which is the one who doesn’t give into throwing toys, gifts, computer games and a range of other things at my child when he asks or demands them.
I simply say No if I cant afford them or more recently explain the need to work for them, in order to get pocket money, so that he can learn how to value and appreciate things.
Lets have it right if we had everything we wanted or expected to get everything we wanted, although I am sure it would be nice for a while, no doubt it would give us nothing in terms of satisfaction. Because once got, we’d just move on to the next thing and we would loose the significance of working and striving towards to something.
So after asking my Ex a few weeks ago, yep falling into the very trap I didn’t want to, I expressed my concern for our sons values and the need for us both as parents to keep him on the straight and narrow, educate him and lead by example when it comes to showing respect and gratitude for the things he gets and the things he currently has in his life.
So 2 days after having that conversation my son arrives home with 2 new pairs of trainers that he doesn’t need, 2 weeks after that he comes home with 3 new computer games, which to this date, still have not been out of their box. And then this weekend when we have calmed down his access to WWE he comes home with a WWE wrestling belt attached to his waist.
Shouting, “Look what my Dad got me” even though 2 days previously I had said he couldn’t have one. His attitude and demeanour said it all.
So I ask, what does this do to our children, to those, who we are responsible for and what does it teach them about life, values and ethics?
For me personally I feel like I’m in a fortnightly battle against a villain I may never be able to stop. And in my cause for fairness and just in my little world, I feel that I am always swimming against the tide between what I believe is right and what I believe is wrong. Yet I am portrayed as being the stick in the mud, the one who is stupid and the one who is boring.
I know my Ex has his reasons for what he does, however, yesterday I found it hard not to once again feel defeated and helpless in my quest to bring up our son with his values firmly intact, not ones that he will loosely discard when he sees fit.
After soul searching, talking to my son and exploring his attitude towards respect and gratitude; I realise that even though I’m exhausted I cannot give up in my quest. These values are at my very core and make me who I am today and in that moment of recognition I know that these values are somewhere deep within him.
He will obviously navigate his own course in life, as he grows into a young man and beyond however, if I stop believing now, then how will he ever know what is the right path for him to take when he’s faced with the crossroads that we all face in our lives?
So before I put him to bed and this morning as we ate breakfast together I made it clear, that I am not prepared to give up and I will not stop believing in him. Even if he thinks I’m the bad cop, one day I know he’ll remember these conversations and the importance of respect and gratitude.
I know they will help him navigate his life and when he arrives at those crossroads he will know exactly which path to take.
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