I really wasn’t sure what my act of kindness was going to be today, as I’m struggling with the concept of what I am trying to do. I know my intention is absolutely right, but as I sobbed in bed last night I couldn’t help feel that this good intention of mine could slowly turn into something quite contrived, fake or just down right cheesy. I think the problem is; that I have been now doing this a week and I have no idea where I’m going with it.
Perhaps if I take my own advice from a few days earlier, then I should just go with the flow and be in the moment with it, but its difficult as I feel perhaps I’m not doing enough?
For years I’ve searched for the right job, always on the look out for how I can be part of something big, something great, something that would give me that sense of fulfilment and connectedness, in a way that ultimately makes a difference to others.
As a child I believed there was something out there waiting for me, something bigger and better than the norm, something that required me to live and work to my life’s purpose. But I couldn’t seem to find it.
I didn’t get the grades I wanted at school and therefore couldn’t do what I wanted to do. I also had a passion for the arts and for drama but I never pursued that either. I’ve always wondered why, but upon years of reflection I would say it could be down to fear of the unknown and not really having the guts to pursue what I believed, at the time, was my purpose.
I think I know this now, but years ago I didn’t have a clue. I wish I would have had insight rather than hindsight, but that’s not the life is it? We have to learn and we have to put those learning’s into practice. Yet, at times, we sometimes have to repeat the lesson in order for it to be truly learned.
So after multiple jobs, in multiple cities and with feelings of being let down multiple times, I decided that the only way I could make a difference was to work for myself and do it my way. But doing it on your own is hard, as I found out today.
I’ve had a rotten day; my car, which was fixed yesterday, died again this morning, and is now in the garage waiting to be fixed again. This will no doubt cost me an arm and a leg.
Then, whilst dashing to pick up Dylan from school, I drove head-on into a guy on his bike and knocked him over, thankfully I didn’t really hurt him, but I could have.
To top the lot I’ve been doing bloody business development calls all day and, apart from speaking to rude and very uninterested people, it’s been to no avail.
So I question what is all this for? Why am I trying to do this and why do I believe that acts of kindness will make any difference to anybody?
Like most, I feel there is more to life. I don’t want to be on the hamster wheel, yet because of previous choices and decisions I’ve made, I am. I’m harder on myself than I am on anyone else and, if I’m being honest, I’m still searching for what I believe is my purpose in life.
When I reflect back on my day and I think about my job as a life coach – ‘helper of others’ I recognise that sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself, because if you don’t self-care when you need to, then how can you be any good at caring for others?
So today this is my act of kindness; a moment to myself to read a book in bed with a cup of tea, allowing myself to recover from a very stressful and disturbing day. I hope that if I take a moment to re-charge, reflect and recover, then maybe tomorrow I can be better and things will be clearer.
My original aim with this challenge was to help others, but even just a week into it, I have a feeling it’s going to help me more than I expected.
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